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Wednesday
Nov112009

let me spill my hatorade(or how to make it big in nashville)

ohhhhh nashville. you're kind of like a slightly retarded second cousin, who tries so hard to be cool and rad and in with hip scene, but never quite make it.  Inevitably, you fall short and look stupid as shit wearing your disturbed shirt and oversized jeans.  But since you're my cousin and all, i love you just the same.

I'm here to announce that I have cracked the code for being a successful band in Nashville. Pay attention, as this is some heavy shit.

First thing your band is going to want to do is play some shows here in town. You will most likely be ignored. don't worry, this is ok.

next thing you need to do is create some kind of gimmick. I don't care how stupid you feel wearing all pink, this is what you need to do. If pink isn't your thing, then you could create some back story for yourselves. For example, your dad was a travelling shoe salesman and you and your brothers (did i mention that it would also be a good idea to say everyone in the band is family or married— or both?) listened to nothing but CCR for the first ten years of your life and decided that rock and roll was your destiny, taught yourselves how to play and wam bam thank you mam reinvented the rock and roll wheel! hot damn!

anyway, you got the gimmick, you're getting all kinds of ignored in nashville, you're doing really well. things are going as planned.  the next step is crucial.

you need to get someone from another city to notice your band.

i don't care what you have to do to make this happen. bribes work well. it shouldn't be hard. there's lots of other cities in the united states, so surely a blogger or music writer will think you look hot and gush all about your band. GOOD REVIEW IN THE CINCINNATI CHRONICLE! post that shit up, send that shit to the nashville cream so they can post a post about your good review in cinci!

ok that's done. YOU DONT NEED TO DO ANYTHING ELSE!!!!! come back to nashville and poof! you're fucking huge! all those people that thought your music sucked will read that you got press in cincinnati and realize they weren't really listening the first time.

"dude, i wasn't in to them at first cause' i didn't really like, get it, you know? but i read about them slaying down in Cinci and decided to relisten. and you know what? i'm reallllly into them. they are BLOWING UP!"

so to recap: you need to create a gimmick and get some press in another city and that's it!

YOUR BAND IS NOW THE ROCK AND ROLL SAVIOR OF MUSIC CITY!


YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW

 

 

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Reader Comments (2)

the only time i've ever heard of this band was someone saying how much they suck

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterddddd

I wish Brokencyde was from Nashville.

November 14, 2009 | Registered Commenterkristoff

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